The Toner is IN the printer...?

Today, I had another one of those terrific phone conversations where people treat me as technical support.

News flash: I am not.

Whenever I buy something, I don't generally ring up the place I bought it from and make them walk me through the process of what is clearly laid out in the instruction manual. Surely, you would actually ring the manufacturer who pays people to act as specialised tech support, rather than a store that has only four staff working per day? It's like buying bedsheets, then ringing up Target asking for washing instructions.

Seems harsh? Quite a few of the queries I get could be solved with a simple search in Google or a look at the troubleshooting manual. I don't mind it when customers come in with mild troubleshooting questions, or if they bring in their instruction manuals wanting to know the best way to connect their equipment. But making me act as your tech support on the phone? No. I have better things to do with my $13/hr. Like spray isopropyl on everything.

This is what transpired today:

"Hi. We purchased a printer from your store this morning."
"Oh, okay. And?"
"We can't get it to work."
"What seems to be the problem?"
"It's just not printing."
"Okay. Have you inserted the toner?"
"The what?"
"The toner. That big black thing that came in the packaging."
"What's a toner?"

Five minutes later...

"Look at the top of the box where it says CONTENTS. THERE SHOULD BE A PICTURE OF THE TONER."
"I don't see it."
"Okay....there's a picture of the printer. And a picture of the manual. And two cables. And next to it there's this great ugly thing that is a picture of the toner cartridge."

Five minutes later...

"Can you open the lid for me?"
"How do I do that?"
"Just...open the top. Pretend the laser printer is a top-loading washing machine. Just open the top."
"I can't see it."
"There's a NOTCH FOR YOUR FINGER TO LIFT UP THE LID ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE."

Five minutes later...

"I can't get the lid shut."
"Have you snapped the toner in place?"
"Which bit is the toner?"

AAAARGH.

Five minutes later...

"Please stop thinking of this printer as an inkjet printer. THE TONER IS LIKE ONE FOOT LONG. IT IS NOT A LITTLE CARTRIDGE. BIG. BLACK. PLASTIC. THING."

Two minutes later...

"Look, I really cannot act as technical support for 20 minutes on the phone- I have customers to serve and HP have a support line that should be open tomorrow."
"But I need to print today."
"Well, if you give me your number I can call you back in 15 minutes when the store isn't quite so busy."
"But I'm going out in the afternoon. I won't be home."

Oh, gee. Sorry I can't fit into your schedule, ma'am.

Two minutes later, I had managed to extract myself from the gruelling conversation, during which I tried to stab myself with a blue biro in front of my colleague.

After I'd put the phone down, I turned to face the next customer who had caught the last five minutes of my barely repressed laser toner rage.

The customer looked at me, and smiled a little sheepishly before he said:

"Um, I know this is the last thing you want to hear...but I need help with a printer."

Network of Hate!

I hate networks.

I hate routers.

I hate wireless receivers.

I hate 15 metre ethernet cables.

I hate filters.

I hate them all.

This hatred is not unfounded. It does not simply stem from the fact that I spend a goodly amount of my time at work patiently explaining the function of a router and what a wireless network is. (Took me 20 minutes to explain the difference between 802.11g and 802.11N the other day, although I only have a very vague conceptual idea of the latter...although if Mariah Carey can incorporate it into her Touch My Body video clip it can't be that hard, right?!)

Mostly, the hatred stems from a long history of drop-outs with the stupid piece of plastic crap that I call a D-Link router and the equally crap piece of plastic that I call a USB receiver (which has recently failed. Thus, the 15 metres of ethernet cable trailing all over my house.)

Plus the hours of fixing and twiddling and pinging and ooooooh how I hate that HP Pavilion downstairs...I can't explain why, but whenever something (else) goes wrong with it I fly into a homicidal rage. Which isn't really fair on my father, who generally has to put up with (a) his computer failing and (b) his daughter screaming at an inanimate object and cursing HP in non-too-polite terms.

Also, as I keep pointedly reminding my dad, I AM NOT A COMPUTER TECHNICIAN.

In fact, I suck. Every time something goes wrong I have to go through a process of trial and error based on the most likely issues with it...and at each point of failure my rage grows and grows until the urge to smash the computer is almost overwhelming.

On the upside, I have managed to fix it.

Tonight it was some kind of firewall problem.

Add that to the list:

I also hate firewalls.

That's all my venting today. Carry on surfing on your respective networks...

Mobile Update

I have only ever had two mobile phones.

The first was a wonderful, slightly bricky thing otherwise known as a Nokia 5110. The second phone is my current one, and has lasted me four years- a Nokia 6610i which has served me well.

And because I am brave and adventurous, I got another Nokia last week.

I've been pondering the phone question for a while now. Several months ago, I was considering getting a pink Sony Ericsson Z310i. Except that it looked impossibly girly to the point where I might have been embarrassed to actually take it out in public. And when I asked my colleague if it would be too girly, his response was somewhat damning. I think something along the lines of, "Yes, it would be too girly. In the kind of 'oh look at me, I'm a Playboy bunny' girly."

Anyway...I now have a Nokia 6300. Which is a delicious-looking candybar phone, in a pretty slim leather case, and it has this beautiful QVGA screen that blows my old phone out of the water. There's also Bluetooth, which I've never had before, an MP3 player and a theme function that has now let me have Jensen Ackles and Jared Padelecki always with me in my handbag.

However, the battery life sucks.

Really, really sucks.

I didn't even DO anything to the phone except play with it constantly and press the buttons constantly and poke it so I could see the picture of Jensen light up and try out the camera...and the battery life is already 3/4 gone after two days.

Surely that wouldn't have drained it? It's 860mah. Then again, I'm sure Jensen Ackles is so luminously gorgeous that he'd drain anything...

Anyhow, the point is I've finally made that jump and upgraded. But I haven't used any of the extra features because I'M SCARED OF DRAINING THE BATTERY. I looked online and a couple of people suggested shaving off the end of a BL-5C battery so that the contacts can physically fit, but y'know, I'd rather not do that...

I'm assuming/hoping/praying that the battery life will improve after a few charge cycles. If not, I don't think it's going to last quite so long as the 6610i...especially since the first 6300 I got had a faulty directional pad- cue the three of us at work cracking jokes about stroking stiff keys- and I had to delete everything off my one-day-old phone and replace it the next day. Hmm.

Now it's time to upgrade the computer in two or three weeks. Expect a bit more ranting as new developments arise...

N.B, post-post: Put it through a full discharge/recharge cycle. Battery life is MUCH better. And I've chucked on AC/DC as my ringtone on full volume...I still grin every time I hear the opening riff of 'Back in Black' from my handbag.

Signs You Need To Update Your Computer #1

My computer is making an odd chirping sound.

It sounds like there's a cricket stuck in the chassis.

Chirp.

Chirpy chirp chirp.

If the PC weren't running so slowly at the moment I might find it a little bit adorable.

But it's beginning to sound less like a cricket and more like hoards of locusts hiding in my lawn in summer....